Do you say the word “sorry” a lot? I’ve realized this word is said predominantly by more women than men. Curious, isn’t it?! I am one of those women that used to say it all the time. When I bumped into someone, when I didn’t pass in a project on time, or even when the look on someone else’s face shows they’re upset. I didn’t realize it was a problem until my director in a former corporate role brought me into an office and told me to stop.

I’m glad she did because it’s when I started asking myself questions. My first question was this…

How many times do we say the phrase and actually mean it?

While I still say that phrase from time to time, I catch myself. I notice when I’m saying it for no good reason. As women, we are born people pleasers. That trait is actually in our training and programming as we grow up. It’s not always a good trait to have because we tend to put others before ourselves. It can be ok to do this, but when we overdo it, it becomes an issue. And saying “sorry” is a part of this. Using this phrase too often can make us look vulnerable and less confident. I noticed a dip in my confidence and that’s when I asked my second question,

How do you realize you’re saying too often? And how do you fix it?

I started to listen. I paid attention to everything I said and did for a bit. Counting my use of the word became a regular practice. That’s when I noticed. Each day I would reflect on how often I said it and try to recall the situation I was in that made me use the word. Having context surrounding my use was helpful because I could then see if it made sense. Often times, it did not. Learning how to fix it was trickier. Here’s what I did.

1. Breathe. Before I said anything in any situation, I would take a breath, think about what’s happening, and what outcome I wanted. While it might seem like a lot to think about, the action happens in a split second. Trust me, our brains work fast! Just by taking a breath, you’ll be able to gather your thoughts and then continue the conversation.

2. Don’t apologize if you’re not really sure why you’re saying it. Most of the time, the phrase “I’m sorry” is not even really necessary. If you’re late to lunch with your friends, you don’t necessarily need. to use this phrases. They might not even be upset that you’re late. Or if someone asks you to watch their kids (or dog) but you can’t because you already have plans, the phrase is definitely not needed. It’s not your fault that you already had plans; you didn’t do anything wrong! If you’re not sure that using the phrase will benefit anyone, then you probably don’t need to use it.

3. You don’t have to say sorry just to fill the gap. We always want to fill the uncomfortable gap of silence. But there’s a reason that gap is there. We don’t need to fill it with words just to make it more comfortable. I used to fill that gap all the time just to cut the tension. What I realized was saying sorry just to take up space wasn’t helpful. Ultimately, I’ve wasted energy using my voice and saying things I don’t really mean.

Now that you’ve read this, here’s my call to action: Over the next week, take note of how many times you say sorry. Is it less than 5? More than 10? Above 50 times per week? This is not to make you stressed or upset with yourself. It’s to help you understand where you can improve and learn how to use this word appropriately. After your week of testing, come back to this post and report back.